"Hands off" sexual abuse involves forcing a child to look at or witness sexual acts or pornography. It can also include sexual harassment by an adult or older child. It is just as illegal as "hands on" sexual abuse, and can be just as traumatic to a child.

Children do not respond well to any kind of abuse. Sexual abuse is especially devastating and traumatic. It is especially traumatizing because the younger the child the less likely he or she is to know what "sex" is, much less "sexual abuse." It is a crime that has no name to many children. Rape is deeply frightening to anyone, especially children, because death seems iminent and it violates everything. Children often fear that they are the one who has sinned and that that sin has endangered his or her soul. Often, with young children the full weight of an adult can feel suffocating and make it impossible for the child to cry out or breathe.

Abuse of children usually has the following effects on a child. Some or all may apply:

• Acting out -- Children may transfer their helpless rage and uncomfortable feelings to other areas of life. Sexual abuse causes children to question authority and whether or not they should obey anyone who wants obedience from them.
• Role Reversing -- This is often a misguided attempt on the part of the child to understand the motives and feelings of the abuser.
• Controlling -- A child is not in control when he or she is abused and they may resort to trying to regain control by trying to control others.
• Under Achieving -- This is probably reflective of the damage that abuse does to a child's self esteem, self respect and possible depression and other stages of mourning involved in any kind of serious loss.
• Withdrawing -- Abuse is a threat to a child's inner being and sense of safety. Withdrawing is a natural response to a threat, perceived or real.
• Regressing -- Children may go back to behaviors they perceive as "safe" behaviors (i.e. behaviors they had before they were abused.) Often survivors blame themselves or some aspect of their behavior for the abuse.
• Escaping -- This can be very dangerous, especially if it is done with the aid of substances.
• Over achieving -- Children who respond by over achieving may be doing so to get the love they perceive they have lost. Nothing destroys the feeling of being loved like sexual abuse.

Sexual Abuse is especially destructive because it is a lot like acid or slow acting poison. It may not seem to hurt much at first.... It may not seem like it affected them much to the survivors -- at first. Children may fear that they will turn out like their abusers. Rarely does this occur, however, it is more likely if the child is forced to "keep their mouth shut" about the crime. I believe this is most definitely more of a danger for boys then girls. Other children are likely to call the boy's sexual preferences into question, call them names or tease and persecute them.

In any case where there is poisoning, getting the poison out of the system is a top priority. We purge negative feelings, resentments and anger by talking about them. Sexual abuse often has the unpleasant and undeserved side effect of self-hate on children. These feelings need to be discussed. It is an emergency even if it doesn't seem like one.

Child molesters always molest other children. This may feel like betrayal to a survivor, even though it really isn't that kind of betrayal. Sometimes older children had or have a physical response like pleasure or arousal when they are abused. This is a natural response to being touched in an intimate physical way. It does not mean that the child is actually enjoying him or herself. Pleasure and happiness are two different things, as most survivors are painfully aware.

It is important to our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health to talk about it as much and as often as we need to. There is no other way to get better then to keep working on ourselves. We will not recover if we refuse to get better. We do not live in a perfect world, and it can be discouraging and frightening to talk about it to others because, truly, their reactions may not be supportive. If the ones we talk to aren't supportive, we must look for those that are.

So, go ahead.... Break the silence! Talk about it. It's important.

Stockholm Syndrome basically means that a victim falls in love with his or her abuser/attacker(s). It involves emotional bonding and identifying with the abuser. It is dangerous to try to understand other people's hatred too much. Hatred can be like a virus in that it spreads quickly. Perps play the victim to others so well that their actual victims may start hating the people who "made their abuser" that way on their behalf. Small human gestures on the part of an attacker can encourage their victims to forget that the behavior is truly evil.

Cowards will not stand up to people their own size. They prefer to pick on the small and "weak." However, victims sometimes tend to think that if the abuser was "tough" enough to take them on, they will also protect them from the unknown and outsiders. Perpetrators are, without exception, cowards. We have all heard the expression, "better the devil you know then the one you don't."

It is truly spiritually dangerous to try to understand evil too much. Sympathy is evil's favorite hook. It is better to just leave the incomprehensible that way sometimes.