Notes and highlights for

The Last Closet: The Dark Side of Avalon

Greyland, Moira

She was not one to put up with anyone else crying either , regardless of age or reason . After all , crying was a sign of weakness , and proof that a woman was not strong enough to solve her own problems .

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Similar experience here

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In the end , Marion became the very oppressor she hated .

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I disagree with the author's breakdown of masculinity and feminitity in this chapter. I think her mother may have been masculine by nature. Just as she may be feminine by nature. Her mother, did, however clearly hate feminity

Chapter 2: My Father’s Early Life (1928–1961)

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This is the point at which Walter began to confuse sex with love in his mind .

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That's no excuse

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He later told me they attacked him because they found out he was homosexual .

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Probably because they found out he was a pedophile. sounds like my ex's sob story

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On an even less plausible note , both he and my mother were convinced that they had been abducted by aliens , though I have never seen a single little green man at any of our family homes , and I am not much of a believer in that sort of thing . Pardon me for being boring , but I find tales of alien abduction to be as dismal as stories about being stuck in line at the DMV . I cannot find anything useful to say about purported alien abductions , other than to hope the aliens they encountered were more interesting than the probing accounts of the Whitley Strieber set .

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I completely agree with this tiresome bullshit abducted by aliens crock assessment

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much the same way many of us love a rare steak .

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love is the wrong word. Its about lust for power. true blue satanic garbage. His thinking and accomplishments are way too linear and organized especially for as backwards as treatment was for schizophrenia back then to actually have the disorder.

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mentally ill —

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Narcissism is a mental illness, yes

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out . All paranoid schizophrenia involves a fixed system of delusions , beliefs impervious to outside or contradictory information ,

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Schizophrenia is a chemical imbalance of dopamine which causes disordered thinking as its primary symptom and makes logical thinking difficult at best and communicating clearly next to impossible.

Chapter 3: My Parents Meet, and Make Some Odd Agreements (1962–1964)

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suggestions . These wonderful aspects of their relationship continued for decades .

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Appearances were extremely important then. Like my "parents"

Chapter 5: My Father’s Grand Vision (1962–1964)

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My father’s Grand Vision was only a little less soulless and bizarre than the ideas found in Swift’s famous satire . The difference is that Walter was entirely serious . My father believed that the best , most intimate way to express love to children — to everyone — was to have sex with them . In his mind , sex was love , and any effort to separate love and sex was a consequence of limited thinking . Since love is best expressed by sex , everyone should have sex with all people all the time . He believed that the practice of unlimited sex would bring about a utopia that would end all the ills of human society .

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This is clearly Stockholm syndrome on the part of the author

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Denying gender roles denies adulthood and adult responsibilities . It creates an extended adolescence and encourages ongoing stupid decisions . Of course when gender roles are rejected , they invariably get reversed .

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Some of us really do not identify with gender roles at all. This is not a symptom of narcissism or a "rejection" it just is what it is. My gender is my sex. I identify as what I look like. I don't feel like a woman nor like a man. I feel like both, neither, either. However, I don't have the right to tell anyone else who they are either

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shame about sex exist for very good reasons .

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shame is worthless. Like white guilt

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Anyone who opposed my father’s Grand Vision was a Puritanical prude , motivated not by virtue but by a wish to have religion and bureaucracy dominating human existence . Prudishness , he felt , was the evil result of religion , standing in the way of universal love . To him , a prude was the lowest form of life .

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What a judmental prick. I feel very bad that the author had to listen to all this judgmental new age preaching. What a whacked out mind fuck

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At no time did my father ever regard heterosexuality as being real : He believed all males who thought they were straight were merely “ hung up ” and “ in denial . ”

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Likely he assaulted straight men, then as well.

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My father felt that enough exposure to his logic , early sex , and the “ right ” hallucinogens would “ raise the consciousness ” of the poor unfortunates who did not agree with him . He thought it was vital to rid people of their sexual hangups as young as possible since it was much easier to influence the thinking of a child than an adult .

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Forcing drugs on people is so wrong it will never be right.

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He had no concept whatsoever that molesting children hurt them .

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He did. He really did. He had no conscience is all. He did it on purpose

Chapter 6: Greek Love, His and Hers (1962–1964)

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Sexualizing even a substitute mother - child relationship puts intolerable adult emotional demands on a child , and sublimates all the needs of the child to the desires of the adult . Just ask the victims twenty to forty years later when they can talk about what happened .

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I agree completely

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Being sex - positive means approving of pedophilia ?

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absolutely not

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This is an extension of the mentality which denies that rape is rape unless one is thrown down in a gutter and raped by a stranger .

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There is a difference between brutal rape and rape. Brutal rape is worse. But rape is rape. I failed to communicate that to my ex girlfriend I think

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help . There is no good result , and the judgment on adults who commit these crimes should be swift .

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Yes. A bullet to the brain because as this book clearly shows the problem is in their heads!

Chapter 11: My Father Begins My Education: Sex, Pot, and Kindergarten (1970–1971)

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It might surprise you to know that this was one of the very few times he raped me .

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It was actually all rape, dear

Chapter 12: I Start School, and Reap the Whirlwind (1971–1972)

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— Pink Floyd , Mother

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Roger Waters. yes

Chapter 15: The Lonely House with the Lemon Tree (1973–1976)

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my impression was that her “ discipline ” of me was random and had nothing to do with my disobedience . My sense of honor told me she was unjust : I knew when I deserved to be punished , and most of the things she did to me made no sense at all .

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You are correct here

Chapter 16: The Sad Waltz (1976)

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delicious . I was also disappointed in myself that I ate it but lacked the courage to kill it .

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I can so totally relate

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My parents loved kids , especially if they had dependent personalities and reasonable intelligence . I had neither , and I refused to do what I was told . I was an enormous disappointment .

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There was no love in them to give

Chapter 24: Religion of the Month Club (1980–1982)

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“ sitting in a church does not make you a Christian any more than sitting in a garage makes you a car . ”

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exactly

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The last thing I wanted was to be either skyclad or in nothing but a thin magical robe around a bunch of fat , oversexed creeps — whether I was related to them or not !

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Right on. Yea They sure are disgusting aren't they? I don't get narcissists. They always think they attractive. They just don't understand the depths of how disgusting they actually are

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He was committed to the notion that he could prove that Jesus was a pedophile and that John the Beloved Disciple was his teenaged lover : in my view , a

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K now I'm getting mad

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If people with no interest in Christian doctrine can be ordained as priests , our dogs also deserve ordination . After all , dogs live a life of service and poverty , depending entirely on their people from morning to night .

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I disagree loosely with the former, and agree loosely with the latter

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One thing I do remember very distinctly is that I would get sick every single time I attended one of the rituals .

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Your parents were Satanic the whole time. They're religion the whole time was Satanic. They worshipped Lucy and the smurfs the whole time. It was a freakshow carnival of smoke, mirror and illusion designed to keep y'all from figuring that out.

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I knew that they would view my conversion as a betrayal . I didn’t dare come out of that particular closet for a very long time , and I acted like a pagan all through my teens so I wouldn’t upset them .

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This is truly persecution. I feel dreadfully badly that you had to go through even a tenth of this shit. You shouldn't have been silenced about what you believed EVER

Chapter 25: The Breaking of Nick

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father’s victims cannot admit they were hurt , cannot talk about what was done to them , and in many cases cannot even admit the reality .

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I've met some master Gaslighters in my day and your parents are right there at the top of the list. Of course many of their victims cannot tell shit from shinola after that

Chapter 26: Flings, Fosterlings and Folly (1979–1982)

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Did she have feelings for him , or was she simply willing to get naked and trade microorganisms with anyone willing to do so ?

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Yep I can relate to this take on it. Trading diseases. yep

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Before she got to Greenwalls , she had been very Christian , and she continued that despite all the pagan rituals , ordinations , and orgies .

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Another brand of satanism. Truly. Looks righteous. Practiced by many Conservative Republicans

Chapter 27: The Cat that Walks by Himself (1979–1982)

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I also studied Scots and Irish Gaelic on the bus on the way to school and taught myself to sing in both of them . One teacher allowed me to do the “ children’s book ” we had been assigned in Scots Gaelic .

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ooooo I'm jelly. Gaelic is on my list right after Sign Language

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These days , Planned Parenthood is selling these clumps of cells to people who want specific clumps , like brains , kidneys , and eyes …

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I'm not sure that's true

Chapter 28: Hunting Girl (1980–1984)

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Maybe she really believed that since I , as a child , “ didn’t have erogenous zones ” , none of the stuff she did to me counted as sex .

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Children do. It wasn't sex. It was rape

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I should bring them home so that I wouldn’t “ fall into the hands of a sadist . ”

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OMG the utter irony and hypocrisy of that statement

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I never went to the police or thought of it as anything but simply my own fault . I should have figured out a way to say no in advance .

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It was NOT your own fault -- even if you "saw it coming" kind of thing. It was HIS fault.

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Dorothy . ” I had been nearly ostracized from our small circle of friends for refusing to pretend that I believed Duncan was innocent .

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Been there done that got the t-shirt

Chapter 29: The House on the Hill, and the Tacky Mansion (1984–1987)

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Of course , in a normal family a mother does not bitch at her daughter about her sexual frustration , but we were very , very far away from normal .

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yes this is a complete and total lack of boundaries and it is completely inappropriate

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I can’t stand having sex with women . It is a chore , like being forced to perform for my mother .

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There is nothing wrong with being heterosexual. NOTHING. NOTHING NOTHING! NOTHING AT ALL. Anyone who says different is a liar and a gaslighter

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How can men stand women ? If that is what we do , then seriously , how has the species survived ?

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Men truly are just as melodramatic. Truly they are.

Chapter 30: The Ermine Violin (1984–1987)

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“ I am counting the spots on the ceiling while I am waiting for you to play . ” He would even pound my fingertips into the keys , very hard . I ended up so intimidated I could barely talk to him , but I persisted because I wanted to take voice again .

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"We don't need no education.... we don't need no thought control.... No dark sarcasm in the classroom.... Teacher leave them kids alone"

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All that mattered was my mother’s dream .

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What an astronomical control freak she was

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What a terrible crime I had committed !

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Sounds like being "in love" with someonw

Chapter 32: Boundaries, Bathrooms, and Betrayal (1989)

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Jane Conger was furious . She thought I had the right to privacy and the right to be free from never - ending subtle sexual overtures from my father . I didn’t understand myself as having rights at all . She thought it was unreasonable for me to have to live in a place where my father was inflicting

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She was completely correct

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“ And whosoever shall offend one of these little ones that believe in me , it is better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck , and he were cast into the sea . ” — The Holy Bible , Mark 9 : 42 ( NIV )

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PRECISELY

Chapter 35: Prison for Him and Hell for me (1990–1993)

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I was receiving death threats from his friends . As far as I knew , Greyhaven had circled the wagons , insisting my father was innocent , and my brother Patrick was furious with me . Patrick seemed to think that my father had been arrested without evidence or witnesses but on my word alone . Nobody was the slightest bit concerned about Kenny except his mother . People were even asking if there was a way to discredit him to save my father .

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yeah, people sure can be real shits death threats. I'm glad none of them followed through

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There were times when I could not stand to feel the air on my skin because it would provoke flashbacks . I felt so filthy and so soiled because of what had happened to me . I irrationally thought that anyone would be able to tell by looking at me that I had been defiled .

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I feel for you so so much. I had some of this but to a lesser degree. I get that reaction sometimes when touched by anyone at all, but not with air on my skin.

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Love puts aside the parent’s needs to attend to those of the child . Incest , however , is a supremely selfish act . Where love nourishes , incest takes . Incest creates emotional abandonment by sabotaging the caregiver role . To be violated by those who are supposed to love them best teaches children that they are not worth loving .

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The Spirit is Love and this is the blasphemy against the holy Spirit. It is the complete and total opposite way to say I love you. Matthew 12:31:And so I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven men, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven.

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At the hospital , the doctors told me that the difference between me and those who are sicker than I am is that I have what is called an “ observing ego . ” I can see myself from an outside perspective . I can recognize , as it were , when I am being an idiot , when I am not acting appropriately , and even when I am having symptoms . It is a relief to be able to distinguish between “ The world is ending and I am dying ” and “ I’m having a panic attack . ”

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Maybe I have the same traits as you here. You have sheer pluck and grit and you are a completely amazing person.

Chapter 36: An Opera and a Funeral (1991–1993)

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My father was a child molester His daughter was the lone protester She’s long since fled He’s jailed , now dead And now she weeps and plays the jester . — Moira Greyland

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I love love love this poem

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I was aware that my brother blamed me for his death .

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No no no no It is not your fault. Don't listen to that man even if he is your brother LIES

Chapter 37: The House of the Rising Sun (1994)

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me , even if I knew deep down I would never even try to confront her over what she had done .

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Confronting her would have brought no satisfaction no matter how she responded to it anyway. Believe me

Chapter 38: Marriage, Merriment, and Mother (1994–1999)

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He described her hilariously as “ our mother who aren’t in heaven , hollow be her fame . ”

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I think that is very clever, actually. :)

Chapter 39: Aftermath: What has the past done to now?

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Sometimes being triggered amounts to being jolted into feeling anything .

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Sometimes the best we can achieve in lieu of forgiveness for people is indifference. Which is alright. It really is alright

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Many people believe that talking about trauma will heal it .

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Rape is the exception to the rule (in so very many ways) I'm afraid it never heals right. We just learn to live with it as survivors (or victims) I don't believe in shaming people who choose to see themselves as a victim of rape.

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That is why I have written this book : I needed to eventually realize that I was not evil and that I did not kill my father .

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Of course you didn't. No no no. No you did not. He did that to himself

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Seriously , if someone came into a hospital with a head injury , nobody would tell that person to “ forgive . ” Instead , the trauma team would be stabilizing the patient and making appropriate medical interventions !

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Sometimes the best we can achieve in lieu of forgiveness for people is indifference. Which is alright. It really is alright

Chapter 40: The Blog Heard Round The World (2014)

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“ Children are brainwashed into believing they don’t want sex . ” — Marion Zimmer Bradley

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A humongus crock of shit if I ever heard it. I know I didn't without any kind of brainwashing at all!

Chapter 41: I Break my Silence (2014–2015)

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But saying “ No ” is not allowed . In my family , the slightest dissent amounted to complete , unequivocal betrayal .

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This has nothing to do with sexual orientation of the parents and everything to do with maturity, love, and self respect. There are many people in the LGBTQIA community there because it is "cool" to be there. Has nothing to do with love maturity or self respect. Often has a lot to do with drugs and addiction.

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Tolerance only goes one way , says the Left .

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I will validate many people on the left are like this. Not all however. I am a left leaning independent. Every spectrum of color does have black, white and shades of brown as well as the rainbow.

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To them it is sex , they imagine it is consensual , and any objections will certainly be overridden by the orgasms they are certain they can produce , and it is the shame of these orgasms that silences the boy - victims , and persuades them they “ must ” be gay . ( Regardless of subsequent heterosexual marriages and children . )

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These are lies that they brainwashed you into believing. They knew exactly what they were doing. They were not ignorant. I swear to God and on my mother's grave it is the Gospel truth, Moira

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got a Master of Music Performance , and since 2007 I have mainly taught voice and harp and directed operas with two opera companies I founded :

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That is so fucking amazing. I am just blown away by your accomplishments!

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I wanted to be part of a family , hoping that since my father was dead his evil might have died with him . I was wrong .

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no blood/"black"/Satanic magic outlives its creators unfortunately. You were the sacrifice in these magic rituals. They used you to weave something i put "black" in quotes because it has a double meaning. Traditional Black magic belongs to black people, it also means dark or evil magic -- I mean evil or demonic magic.

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If you doubt me , research “ age of consent ” “ Twinks ” , “ ageism ” and the writings of the NUMEROUS authors on the Left who believe that early sexuality is somehow “ beneficial ” for children .

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I will, thank you. There are just as many creeps on the Right in politics right now.

Chapter 42: The Last Closet

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All Sex is Always Right No Matter What .

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I have never in my life embraced any philosophy that even comes close to resembling that

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Mormon

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polygamy? Aren't you speaking out against traditional polygamy which involves men having multiple partners (wives) where the wives all have the one partner (husband)?

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And I want you all to be able to tell your stories . God bless you all ,

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I beg of you to please read my book which I can gift to you if you do not wish to buy it. Being part of the LGBTQIA+ community is not a delusion. I could point out many many examples on the right as well as the left of control freaks who want to impose their will on others including using sexual abuse, harrassment and psychological abuse to do so. I concede there are phonies, and confused people who will pay any price to be "cool" to belong somewhere. If there is not real love in the sex it is truly a sin. If there is not real love in the relationship it is sinful. Many children grow up in single parent households because the parent is unable to find love with a partner and become healthy well-adjusted adults. It is not a sin be a single parent either. God bless you as well